The Complementarianism Marriage to Abuse Pipeline
Madison Prewett-Troutt, Elisabeth Elliot, and Purity Culture’s Messages aren’t all They are Cracked up to Be
I don’t usually check Instagram after 9pm, but the other night I got a wild hair and I did. I saw a DM from my friend Dave and when I opened it, it was a clip from Bachelor Nation darling, Madison Prewett-Troutt. I clicked on it and immediately knew why he sent it to me.
“...when I submitted to God’s will and to my husband I found the security I was craving”…says Madi (in response to how she was trying to control situations). I cringed.
The comment section was pretty brutal. Rightfully so. And yet, I had empathy. (Quick reminder: empathy does not equal agreement. Empathy simply means you can stand in someone else’s shoes and see it from their perspective). I can see it from Madi’s perspective. And there would have been a time where I would have been liking and re-posting her content because I agreed with it.
Now, however, I agree with the commenters that not only say this is simply one way of interpreting things but that this type of theology and teaching is dangerous and can lead to abuse.
I agree with it because research backs it up. Because my clients’ stories back it up. Because my own story backs it up. Teaching like this can absolutely lead to abuse, cause abuse and keep people in abusive relationships.
Come back in time with me…
…The phone in my office rang and I picked it up tentatively; it was the first time I had received a call at my new office. Even though I had worked at my new, non-ministry, for several months at that point, I still felt hypervigilant due to my old job since every move I made had been under heavy scrutiny. I knew the other person on the end of the line would be a friend of mine; she was someone a couple years older—and therefore wiser—someone who wanted to have a chat about some concerns she had.
By this point I was both exhausted by conversations like this and used to them. I had endured years of these types of conversations as I had been going through a process of repentance and restoration at my church. This time confused me though because I was genuinely unclear as to what I had done. I quietly said “hello”; I couldn’t fake any excitement to talk to my friend.
I quickly found out that one of the men in the young adults group I attended had talked to her due to his discomfort with what he called my “initiating behavior”. He had been out of work for nearly a year and had just started a new job. Several of us got together to celebrate him and I made him cookies—his favorite kind. I knew his favorite kind because we had been friends for many years and had spent a lot of time together. However, he saw this as me being too suggestive and overstepping my role as a submissive woman.
He never told me this; instead he spoke to my friend. She agreed with him and then agreed to speak with me about my inappropriate, disrespectful, and ungodly behavior. So, that day on the phone, I listened to her remind me how important it was that I remember my job as a biblical woman was to always let men lead and to make sure that there was never an instance where a man may be confused by my behavior, words, or actions. I had learned by that point it was better to just agree rather than to try and push back.
Instead, I grieved another relationship lost, another punishment I endured for not abiding by purity culture rules. Detachment was always the solution despite being touted as a boundary.
***
This was a frequent occurrence for me. I was a spectacular failure at submitting. Though I can now wear this badge with honor, at the time, it was a coat of shame. In my brand of religion, I was told that I needed to practice submitting to my future husband by submitting to any man I was in contact with. My continual failure became the defining reason for my singleness. I wept bitter tears at my inability to do this thing that I was supposed to do that would make me attractive to a Godly man.
I worked tirelessly to quiet myself. To fragment myself. To cut parts of myself off. Whatever I needed to do to be more palatable. But no matter how hard I tried and how hard I tried to become a different version of myself, I just never could do it.
Many people view Josh Harris’ I Kissed Dating Goodbye as the seminal text for purity culture. And to some degree, it was. But if you were to ask Josh or any of the other influential leaders within the purity culture movement, or those of us who were really invested in it, you would likely hear another name pop up as a person of influence: Elisabeth Elliot.
Elliot, the widow of Jim Elliot, was the author of books such as Passion and Purity and Let Me Be a Woman, among many others–books that taught of Biblical gender roles and the right way to have relationships in order to be honoring to God. Her relationship with her late husband, Jim Elliot, was heralded as the epitome of a Christian marriage and young, reformed evangelical men and women salivated at their “love letters” back and forth to one another as they proclaimed to love who Christ was in the other person rather than the person themselves. This was what we were to strive for.
Despite Jim and Elisabeth only being married for a few years, their relationship was purity culture cat nip. Elisabeth went on to marry again, become widowed again, and then marry a third time–a relationship that lasted nearly four decades until her own death.
What’s interesting to note, however, is that while all of us purity culture babies were drawn to the love story of Jim and Elisabeth and trying to emulate it in our own lives, the actual life and relationship of Elisabeth Elliot–the living out of the principles that she was teaching to us, were actually leading to something that is far darker. Control. Coercion. Manipulation. Abuse.
In an article from the Revealer in February 2024, journalist Liz Charlotte Grant shares an in depth analysis of Elliot’s third marriage–the marriage where we really get to see her live out the principles that she teaches her followers. With bated breath we await the love story that we have been promised since Jim has died–this picture of heaven that is sure to come because the rules have been followed, the roles have been carried out, and God is being honored. And yet, that is not what happens.
Instead, we see the opposite: a man who strips his wife of autonomy, voice, and choice. Who punishes, controls, and overpowers. And we see a woman who is beaten down, stripped of her power, fragmented, and abused. A woman who believes that she must continuously submit to this because he is her head, because he is her husband, because this is God’s plan. They are following the rules, the divine order…and these are the natural results.
I still have a vivid memory of sitting on the floor of the home that I shared with my abusive ex partner; it was the day after he had come over to get the remainder of his things. We had broken up, for good, three months prior but he kept trying to get back into my life. The day before I had asked him to come over to help me–something I knew he would jump at the chance to do because he was trying to get back into my life–and when he arrived, I had all of his stuff packed up for him. Something in my body told me that it would be the last time I would lay eyes on him. I knew I would still have to deal with months of him contacting me (I was right, he continued to contact me for several months), but I knew I would never actually see him again.
And in that knowing came a release to be able to process things on a deeper level. …which I needed to. Because I simply needed to figure out how it was that I had ended up in an abusive relationship.
Abuse. Shudder. That word. I struggled to say it at that point. It was difficult to acknowledge.
But as I flipped through my journals that detailed our relationship and even before we got together, I struggled to know who said what. Was it my abusive partner, or was it God, the church, or the church leaders? Suddenly puzzle pieces began to come together.
I began to understand that it wasn’t difficult for me to accept his statements telling me I was stupid, didn’t deserve him, was unworthy, or the other name calling or disparaging statements because those were things that I had been taught about since I was a young child. There was never a time I can remember that the God of the universe hadn’t believed I was an unworthy, evil, sinner who had no good in me. The jump from the creator of the universe who also created me viewing me as nothing to another human viewing me as nothing wasn’t a difficult leap to make.
I realized that all the years of submission practicing–despite my perceived failure–had “paid off” too. The constant admonishment for not being quiet enough, small enough, palatable enough, conforming enough, or easy enough, had finally worked their way into my body and taken form–grooming me for an abusive man to set his sights on me as an easy target.
I could easily reflect back on moments when I was told–whether by my abusive (ex) partner, members of the church leadership, women-mentors, or even members of my own family, that I was manipulative, not being submissive, trying to control situations, being too domineering, acting too much like a leader, or not exemplifying biblical womanhood characteristics and see that these were moments where I was being required to cut off parts of myself. While, in the moment, conforming to them and adjusting myself to their standards offered some momentary relief and even the illusion of safety and connection, it always came at the expense of myself. And it never lasted.
I always told myself it was because I was a sinner. Because I needed the help of God. Because this was my sin-nature coming back into play and it was an area that I needed to confess and seek repentance over. But in reality, it was because I was having to hide myself and wearing masks all the time is incredibly hard. At some point you’re bound to slip. But in a system or relationship where dynamics of power and control are at play, letting the masks slip means that dire consequences are in store.
I am sure that if I were to be talking to Madi Prewett-Troutt face-to-face and I were to tell her concerns about how this dangerous this messaging is, she would agree with me. She might even say “oh no, that’s not what I mean at all!” I’d love to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that’s not what she means–that she’s not talking about being abusive to people (like a husband abusing his wife, or a wife staying with an abusive husband). I say that because, again, back in the day, that’s not what I would have been preaching either.
BUT.
After listening to the rest of Madi’s podcast episode (because, yes, of course I listened to the entire thing just so I could get the entire thing in context. Don’t even get me started about how she thinks the Enneagram is demonic…*eyeroll*!) …I really don’t think that Madi understands the gravity of what these passages mean and truly how harmful they can be. Because again, I never did either.
When I was in that system, I would have agreed with Madi and said that the first thing you should do, even when abuse is happening (because inside of a system like that, there is no framework for knowing how to identify abuse) is to pray. And then pray some more. And then some more. And then endure it. And then change yourself. And then submit. And then seek your pastors and/or a Christian counselor.
Therein lies so much of the problem. And this is backed up by research (I’m linking this article here…not because it’s the best article but because it’s one of the only free articles that is available!) Women who are in both domestically violent/abusive relationships and fundamentalist (or high control) religions are more likely to stay in them as a result of their religious beliefs. They are more likely to justify staying in the relationship and the abuse they endure because of the religious doctrines and teachings and be dissuaded from taking actions (including reporting, legal action, and divorce) because of what the Bible and many religious leaders say about the sanctity of marriage.
(And let us never forget the infamous John Piper video when he answers a question regarding if a woman should still be submissive if she is enduring abuse…)
I certainly cannot suggest that submitting, or even “biblical submission” can or will absolutely lead to abusive or controlling relationships. (Nor can I suggest that biblical submission will lead to happiness, relief, or peace and harmony like Madi seems to suggest!) However, I am suggesting that we must be careful touting this idea of “biblical submission” and “biblical headship” as the way that a couple will find true peace and happiness inside of a relationship and as individuals.
At best, it is reductionistic. It allows us no room for individuality and uniqueness and usually ends up requiring each person in the relationship to place expectations on themselves and the other person that ends up causing resentment and disconnection.
For example: I know many heterosexual couples who struggled because in their relational dynamic the woman had a more assertive, leader-oriented personality type and then man was more laid back. However, because they wanted to have a biblical marriage, they had to do the opposite of their true selves which caused inner turmoil as well as significant relational conflict.
And, of course, at its worst, like we’ve seen, this concept of biblical marriage and the specific biblical gender roles can be abusive and deeply harmful.
***
I’m often asked “ok, so what’s the solution then? What’s redeemable? How can we fix this?”
Relationships work when both people can show up as themselves. That’s not to say there won’t be conflict or compromise. Communication will be required. There will be shifts that need to happen. Relationships often bring out sides of us that reveal the sharp edges that need to be shaved down and they show us where we may have work that needs to be done. We can embrace that and still not lose ourselves and not dominate or control others.
My answer to that question above then is this: Any system or relationship that is built on dynamics of power and control cannot be fixed. It has to be done away with entirely and built anew. When we are building a relationship between two adults that should be equal but is actually based on on a hierarchy, it is going to be difficult for it to work. Likely impossible.
And it probably shouldn’t work.
I have cried at every single issue I’ve read from your substack, because I feel like you’re recapping my own life. I’m so grateful to not feel so alone. And I’m so grateful to have left all of that life behind- the “freedom in Christ” felt like a prison sentence.