The Exhaustion of Dealing with Christian Patriarchy
Navigating the Prospect of a Future that You Escaped From in the Past
I have started writing this Substack article over a few times. I had ideas of what I wanted to write about this week—mostly that I am a childless (dog-owning) woman—and so much to say. But I’ve begun writing and it wanders into aimless territory that I can’t get out of. So I start over—but it happens again.
So finally I stopped, ate dinner, and realized…I’m exhausted. Because on top of the national threats of my dignity and value being stripped since I’m childless, or that my vote should count for less (for the same reason), or that Project 2025 projects a future that I and so many others escaped from in the past, life has been happening. I’m still recovering from some personal crisis and relational losses that impacted all areas of my life a couple months back. I’ve been doing some deep therapeutic work. I’m still seeing clients, running a company, working on a new book, host of a podcast, and all the other incredible things that life has brought my way. Oh, and trying to have a personal life and relationships too. And then the teeny tiny fact that July is a month that is filled with traumaversaries. I was already at capacity.
Most of us are. …at capacity, that is. We all have a million plates we are trying to spin in the air. And honestly, most of us aren’t even trying to make it look good. We’re just out here trying to survive. So when we’re already at capacity and then other things happen, the overwhelm starts to set in.
But as I’ve had time to reflect on this week and why I suddenly hit a block; it definitely makes sense. Because this week on three different occasions I went back in time. …Back in time to the way I used to think and interpret things, how I saw the world, how I applied the fundamentalist logic. On each of those occasions, there was a lot of laughter (I mean, you have to laugh in order to not cry!) But under the laughter, when it finally gets quiet again, you’re left with the grim truths and realities of what your life used to be and it’s difficult for that not to weigh heavy.
This week I:
Recorded a podcast episode for my podcast, Sunday School Dropouts, on the book of Job…and immediately recognized the cycle of abuse in a way I had never seen.
Was a guest on Janice Lagata’s podcast (@godhasnotgiven) for her special “Bad Words” series where we did a deep dive into a few chapters from Francine Rivers’ book, Redeeming Love
Went to Williamstown, KY and met up with my friends Beecher, April, and Andrew to go to the Ark Encounter and happened to be there on a day where Ken Ham was speaking live—which of course we went to.
It was a constant cycle of “who could believe that?!?” —> “I used to believe that” —> “I’m so glad I don’t believe that anymore” —> “who could believe that?!?” And when you ask that to yourself over and over and over, it’s harder to look past the absurdities and comic relief. Because under that, in the silence is the recognition of just how abusive evangelical, fundamentalist, and highly controlling religious doctrine is.